:: Tears of the Moon ::

:: Sunday, April 29, 2007 ::

It's been eight months. So, I don't think I've been updating as much as I'm supposed to, and this is my oldest blog (aside from my LJ).

Hey there, Herb and McLife! I miss you both. Between you two and Tere it's depressing to realize that my closest friends are outside the country now.

I miss you both, and Tere.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a lone voice in the wilderness. And that when I talk about my self I have to continually explain from the beginning and start all over again to say that I'm not really that mean, I'm just.. capable of using so many syllables for the word idiot or whatever. So, I don't. Someone told me once that they notice I compartmentalize: I don't tell one person everything about myself. I tell different people a lot of one small thing.

Say, for example, one or two people know about my idiot parents and their childish moments. But they're not the same people who know about me and Guy. And these aren't the same people who know my views on politics and religion. That's what I meant with compartmentalizing. If all these people came together, they'd have a very clear understanding of me.

I've stopped putting all my eggs in one basket since college. It hurts to unplug from the one person ALL the things that you relied on them for: I was in an emotional vacuum for years, until I learned to compartmentalize. The people I considered my One Persons I eventually have an irreconcilable fight with, and I'm left with nothing.

The first one loved me more than I loved them. Which hurt her incredibly, and twice more since she was also at that point in her life in deciding between 1)being lesbian, or 2)having for a boyfriend MY English teacher (who was also at that time I was good friends with). Both of which would've caused a change in the dynamic of our friendship. And the second, I loved more than she loved me back. I wasn't her Person (if you watch Grey's you can actually get the thing with the "Person"), and that hurt me more than I could've ever imagined. And I realized that I could've been carrying the weight of an entire best friendship all by myself: the person I thought was my Person, didn't list me as her Person. So, we moved on. I just.. stopped communicating. And so did she. My karma from my first, right?

So, I've turned to compartmentalizing myself to different people. Now I've started to become friends with some other folks in the office, and I'm wary of being closer. I don't want to feel that vaccum again. I don't want to be disconnected again, and to start all over with investing myself. It's hard enough to be emotional inside (while keeping a tough, crusty exterior), it's doubly hard to pretend I'm okay when my heart's broken.

My heart will heal, eventually. I just.. I just can't talk about him with the office barkada. In words of Studio 60, my Big Three (me, M and J) I don't want them to know that I'm recovering from a heartbreak.

Anyway. I miss having a Person. I miss just being myself, uncensored, with someone. Always, there's a brave front. A bravado, because I can't let my guard down. I've built this persona of a tough girl, can-do-anything image. I don't know how to explain myself when I'm feeling weak. I don't know if I can trust anyone with that yet. And, I don't know if I could now.

It would be a relief though if/when that happens.

Labels: My Person/s

:: D said @ 7:47 AM [+] ::
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