:: Tears of the Moon ::

:: Sunday, August 17, 2008 ::

Been staring at the computer from 12midnight to 9am. I gotta enroll later. Chi has got to print out the ID pics. I need to take a nap. I don't know how I'll manage my time today. I have clients in the office who'll be there for six weeks.

I'm getting nervous about loading my schedule up on Thursdays, which is my coding day. I scheduled it for the Dela Rosa campus, instead of Rockwell. I might change it to Rockwell later. I'm not sure. It's all in flux right now.

:: D said @ 6:48 PM [+] ::
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I went to Freshmen Orientation on Saturday, and I'm going back to school!

I'm glad. I'm going to take my MBA!

As I was sitting in the auditorium that morning (early by fifteen minutes, by the way) I was hit by the realization that this was the first time I've made a major decision for myself. Not to say that the car wasn't a milestone, but this time it's different. This time, the investment is on myself. The decision is for me, I alone.

It stopped my breath for a little bit: cue lightning and thunder, cue heavenly spotlight on my head. Wow. If I fuck this up, it's definitely going to be MY fault, no one else's. If I screw this over, only I will carry the blame. So, when I registered for classes a few hours ago (one has to obsessively check the school website for class availability at the stroke of twelve, otherwise one will run out of class options), I had to make a decision for the Thursday, 6pm class. My car's coding on Thursdays, which means I can't drive it before 7pm anywhere on Thursdays. But I can't just take one class on my first semester in: that'd be a waste of time. However, my program doesn't have Registration, Student and Internet fees.

Hmm.. choices, choices.. I have to get enrolled tomorrow, and give my ID picture. I have to work on something for the office on top of that.

The program I took was an accelerated course, removing all four of the prerequisite classes and moving straight to the core classes. The course is specific to middle-managers who wanted to jump into the meat of the program. I'm glad to have qualified.

I hope I'm not making too much of a big deal out of this - I just haven't been in school for a long time and it's about time that I think about something else for a while. I don't want to have tunnel vision with only work. Work has ceased to become my one and only love. It's not what fuels me anymore, it's just what puts food on the table.

I'm excited.

:: D said @ 11:35 AM [+] ::
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Old at being young
Young at being old
Everything's on hold within our evolution
-"Alternative Girlfriend", Barenaked Ladies

I don't like being the Cassandra in my friends' lives. Sometimes I hate seeing things happen before others do. I end up sounding like a crazy person the moment I start mouthing off about doom, gloom and problems.

I hate not being the friend you don't ask relationship advice for, just because I'm single. What I hate most is seeing said friend flounder in her decisions because she wasn't thinking straight. Maybe I'm not "that" kind of a friend, for her. But to be honest about it, she's not "that" kind of a friend for me either. I was actually disappointed in her once before when she essentially told me to "follow my heart" and "go with my feelings" over this Complicated Boy. I don't want a kunsintidora friend. The friends I choose, I trust to think straight when I can't. So, when she told me to "go for it", she was giving me advice that applied to *her*, not me.

Because, if she really knew me, she would know that I'm never spontaenous about relationships. That I take tiny steps to get to know someone I find interesting. That it normally starts out with friendship. That blind dates are never my strongest suit. That "hooking me up" with friends-of-friends (no matter how well-meaning or "perfect" they are for me) never ends well. Those "perfect" guy friends that they call don't even become *my* guy friends.

Does it matter that sex is never in the equation when I play in the dating pool? Does that immediately take me out of the running as a friend that's reliable to ask? It's a confused muddle in my mind right now, so this is a rambling post. Mostly I'm writing because I'm pissed of. I realize that she and I are not 'that' kind of friends.

We neither of us think of each other for relationship advice.

But I'm pissed off because once she has a boyfriend, the bf becomes the All-In-One multipurpose friend all of a sudden. She disappears. She's not reliable anymore. You can't rely on her to show up now. I should've prepared for that, but I enjoyed her friendship when she was single. It just ticks me off that she won't be there when I need her and the bf needs her. I'm not even going to be in the equation.

I'm sad too, though, because while she is older than me, her emotions are as fickle and unstable as a twenty year old. She's a pampered princess with no experience in hardship, being poor, supporting others. She might have an edge over me in terms of relationships, and men. But the tradeoff for that though is I've had years and years of introspection and time for myself. I worry sometimes if she really knows herself, since she's never been on her own since she was seventeen. I thought this would be the year when she would celebrate being a singleton, but she jumped into another relationship after nine months of being without.

I wonder, really, if she knows that. I wonder if she knows who she is once everything and everyone is stripped away. I wonder if she knows how it feels to be completely self reliant when it comes to your own decisions, thoughts, emotions. I've lived through the past ten years on my own. My decisions are my own, my regrets are borne out of actions I took by myself. I don't know how it is to be reliant on others. I don't know how to be subordinate. For the most part, I've never been half of a couple this past decade.

It's tiring to be alone in the dark and face your fears alone. But it changes you, and makes you a better person to have survived it. To be your own best friend, to have your conscience as a guide.

Maybe I've never been wanting of that kind of companionship because I have a fantastic relationship with my sister. And that I'm lucky to have found a few gems of friends wherever I go. I don't do wholesale friendship.

So it came as a mild shock to me to find out she was contemplating on marrying this guy. The New Guy. The guy she's been seeing these past nine months. Granted, she's physically older now (she's thirty), but I'm still waiting to have adult conversations with her. 'Adult conversations' in the context of banter around the Big Things. The Big Ideas. The real deal when it comes to relationships, men, and the role of women in those situations.

Last night, why did we feel like the three of us were waiting for her to have that eureka moment? That the three of us were on the same page and we were waiting for her to catch up?

Pampered Princess, where are you going? Do you really think that your mom is the only obstacle to this wedding thing? Harsh as it is to say: you're not ready for it. You can't be. As your friend, you shouldn't be thinking that love is all hearts and roses and kisses under the moonlight. It's being an adult and making grownup decisions. It's facing the consequences of those decisions head-on. How can you be ready for this when you've never been naked and alone? When you've always had a fallback?

The man you're with is a guy who has his priorities straight. He loves you, and he's at a certain stage in his life where he wants to settle down. The life he wants is a life you only see part of. You only see the hearts and kisses and hugs and sleeping in the same bed. You don't see the bills, the baby crying, the waking up and seeing his face every fucking day for the rest of your life. It's dealing with in-laws, and having no yaya, and doing the dishes yourself.

I hope we get to talk.

:: D said @ 4:37 PM [+] ::
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